Hear us roar
- Susie Csorsz Brown
- Apr 30
- 8 min read
Updated: Apr 30
This is my body, not yours.
“Feminism isn't about making women strong. Women are already strong. It's about changing the way the world perceives that strength.” ~ G.D. Anderson
“I see stunning men walking on the street every day. Some walk shirtless because it's hot and they feel more comfortable that way. Do I scream out at them, beep at them or whistle? No, I smile to myself in appreciation of them and drive on by. Why? Because I believe they have the right to go about their lives without me imposing my sexual desire upon them.” ~ Miya Yamanouchi
It’s so interesting: the other day, my husband and I were running, and we came to a point where we could either run through a corner lot or go around. Even though I was with him – a solidly large enough guy to be intimidating in size – instinctively I wanted to go around, especially once I saw that there were 10 or so young men hanging around in the lot. Women grow up conditioned to watch over their shoulders, be aware of their surroundings, take caution, never go into a place where she might be out-numbered, and always always avoid groups of men. That is our reality. I know my hubby knew why I was reluctant to run through the lot; his automatic response, though, was to bulldoze through. I am not meek, I am not weak. I am not afraid, but I will always choose the path that offers me the least interactions with men I do not know.
I work hard to stay fit, to be strong because I like how I feel when I achieve these fitness goals. I do not do it because it keeps me thin; genetics pay their role there. I do not do it because I want comments or attention from men.
This is my body, not yours.
I have been catcalled and oogled in countless countries and multiple languages. I have had my a$$ grabbed, and men stand right in my way, just to be in my way. I have learned and developed the 'I don't hear nor see you' face that provides me with a sense of security (albeit likely false). I practice my awareness of my surroundings, judging accurately who is in my space, who shouldn't be. I know when I am being followed. I know when I am being leered at, even when I do not look directly at the person doing the leering.
I don't owe you anything.
I shouldn't have to do these things, or develop these skills, but because I am a woman, and I leave the security of my home and the walls surrounding it, because I do so on regularly on a bike or on foot, I have experiences with men who don't care to respect my boundaries or sense of self. They do not see me as a person, as a mother, as a sister, as a daughter. They see me as an object, a thing, a nonentity.
Except that I am not those things. I am me, and me has feelings. Me is a human. I am tired of constantly having to defend my personal space, and I am tired of being objectified.
I am wearing a (insert article of clothing here). That has nothing to do with you.
What I choose to wear has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with anything other than that is what I wanted to wear today. I stay well within the boundaries of what is appropriate to wear. Do not assume I am wearing this for you; it is 100% me and mine.
I am not saying that all men are bad. I am not saying that all women are weak. What I am saying, though, is that the skills to say ‘no’, and ‘it is not okay’, and ‘enough’ are not skills we as a gender are encouraged to develop. In a hundred subtle, varied ways we are encouraged to be accommodating, and to appease. We are taught and encouraged to not be contrary and to build others up, even at our own expense. We are encouraged to be feminine, to be soft and vulnerable.
I don't like what you are saying or doing.
We teach our daughters that they must be healthy, they must take care of themselves, they must do more, be more, say more. We tell them that we are sorry we are creating a mess, but we have every confidence they will be able to clean it up. What we should be teaching them is to use their voices, to know their boundaries and to be strong enough to turn to that catcaller, that lewd commenter, that leerer, and tell them 'No! It is not okay! I do not accept your objectifying me!' We should teach them to demand the respect that they deserve, regardless of what they are wearing, doing or how they are acting. Who they are is important, not what they look like. Full stop.
We women are the Gentle Species. We are taught to be compassionate. From infancy, women are socialized to be more emotional, more sympathetic and compassionate. We are encouraged to display nurturing and caring while boys are encouraged to be daring and athletic (dolls versus superheroes, you know). We are allowed to cry. In these lessons, we learn to be more in tune with the emotions of others, as well, and care about the impact that our actions and words might have on the emotional state of others.
It’s not to say that men are not all of those things. But remember, they grow up hearing very different encouragements that we do. They hear that they need to be tough, and they need to be strong. They need to develop their patriarchal skills; they will, after all, head up the family, right? The lost message is this: you can be all of those things, and still be compassionate, empathetic and caring. You can still be tough and make sure no one is left behind. You can be both the head of the family and let your partner in life lead the way as well. Co-chairs, if you will.
It’s not Us versus Them. Believing in women, believing that they, too, have the right to their own space, their own beliefs, their own opinions. No, of course, they are not the same, but that doesn’t make one superior; neither has inherent rights over the other. Just as there are bad men in the world, there are bad women. Women can be just as hurtful and harmful as men can be. I’m not sure why, but sadly, the Mean Girl stereotype exists for a reason.
This is my space. You are not welcome in it.
Let's teach our girls that they don't have to endure the cat calling; it is not the right of that person to leer. It’s a sad statement, but the fact is we have to protect our girls for the current state of things while at the same time trying to change it.
I learned something a bit disturbing about the current country we live in: apparently, the pornography industry is live and well here (as it is in many/most countries), but here the images projected are almost exclusively those of white women, often underaged, white girls. When I walk up the street, I don’t look like a person to be respected; I look like a reminder of the last X-rated show they watch on their illicit channel. The local women are beautiful, with their long straight dark hair, dark eyes and beautiful complexion, but that is not what these boys and men see in their dial-in bootleg porno sources. Men here are not as in-your-face pushy as perhaps those in, say, Cairo, but it is still harassment. Why should I be hassled when I walking to the grocery store for food for my family? Why should I be stared at when I am trying to get a tuk? Why should I feel like my person is in danger just because I go out for a run? The harsh reality is that regardless of where we live, as women, we are smaller than men are. We are not as fast, not as strong, and often not as loud. It is a legacy of our x-chromosome, and this is the price we pay. Being larger, stronger or louder does not give one the right to take from one smaller, weaker, or quieter. We are not prey; we do not owe anyone anything.
I do not want you here. Go away!
I am a mom of three boys. I strive to show them that being a woman is to be one who is capable, strong, and compassionate. I want my boys to treat girls and women with respect and dignity. I want these boys to be positive role models for other boys; no matter where we are in the world, there are others who are not reared to respect women. Just the other day, I was hollered at by a group of 13 year old boys, bolstered and emboldened by virtue of being part of a herd. 13! Why should a 13 year old boy think it is okay to make cat calls and hoot and holler?
I do not want my boys to contribute to making a women feel lesser. I want them to listen actively and hear the words girls (and women) say, and listen for those they don’t ... or can’t. We can do all we want to empower our girls but if we do not also raise boys to act on their behalf, nothing will change. I want my boys to know the soft and vulnerable side of a female, sure, but also the fierce side that speaks out in the face of injustice and protects those less physically strong. Just because one does not actually violate others does not mean they are innocent if they stand by and say nothing when they see others committing acts against other. Males and females alike need to know they can stand up for what is right. I also do my best to teach the young girls I interact with that what they say matters, what they think is important, and their space is only their space … unless they say otherwise.
A friend of mine with girls in my son’s grade told me that my son not only stood up to another boy in class who was trying to say less-than-acceptable things to some of the girls. Nicely but firmly, my kiddo shut it down. My other son will make sure that if there is an event or they are moving around town (usually in a tuk, just because it is easier), he and his male buddies all make that the girls are either travelling with anther boy, or he goes out of his way to take girls all the way to their house and then back (even if it is an hour out of the way), just to make sure they get to where they need/want to go safely. It’s these small acts of consideration, acting without even having to be asked, they understand that not everyone is a kind soul.
Just because I move through public space does not mean my body is public space.
Size, gender, strength … not one of those characteristics give one the right to invade the space of another. Just because one is larger does not make them great. Just because one’s voice is loud does not make them more important nor correct. Just because one is smaller does not make them weak. Just because one is pushed doesn’t mean they can’t and won’t push back.
Sadly, one can be thoughtless regardless of one’s gender, age, or size. Know this, my friends: Our collective impact is so much greater; helping others, reaching out to others, lightening the load of others – regardless of their gender – is how we are all going to make it to the top. I can only hope that the more we share, the more we listen, the more we will help our daughters grow up knowing what they can do and say for themselves. That their space is their own. Knowing that they are important, their words are important, their contributions are important, and that they are more than their body, face, and hair.
For further reading:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/27/opinion/blasey-ford-sexual-assault-survivors.html?
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