Your kids are smarter than you think

I know, famous last words, right?  

Here's the thing: when your kids are very little, we adults think we can do anything we want around them and the kids won't notice, right?  I mean, we all know that teenagers don't see or hear a thing if it isn't on a device, but little kiddos are not that observant either, right?  Nope.

Your kids see you.   They hear how you treat others.  They watch your interactions.  They see how you treat yourself.  Pay attention because they are paying attention.  

1.  They see how you treat your parenting partner.   They are also capable of picking up on criticism or negative remarks about the other parent or caregivers in their life, even when you may try to mask them as jokes or sarcasm.  Regardless of your relationship with this person, your behavior can impact how they behave towards this person as well.  This is important to help children create and maintain respectful, reciprocal and emotionally mature relationships with this person and with others who will have similar roles in their lives.

2.  How you feel about your body.  They see how you disapprove of your shape, or frown at your appearance in the mirror.  They see you deleting the pictures of you in your bathing suit.  They see how you are embarrassed about your belly or your thighs.  They see and they hear your commentary.  

Their own view of their bodies is very reflective of how you treat your own.  And this is a learned response: no baby or toddler is embarrassed by those dimples in their knees or round little belly.

3.  Your self-compassion (or lack there of).  Profoundly imitative, a child's ability to give and receive grace and compassion is reflective of what they see from their parents.  If you beat yourself up over setbacks, criticise your efforts, or are harsh about the results of your attempts at a project, your child sees and hears that.  Remember the word yet.  It is a powerful opportunity to give grace to ourselves and to others when we make mistakes.  And show your kids that mistakes happen and they are not the end of the world.  Sure, some feel more like a big flop than the proverbial "chance to learn" but ... not getting it right 100% of the time IS just that: an opportunity to try it again, try it differently, try it until it is the best we can do.  And move on.  A mistake is just that, and it is not a defining feature.

4.  Your relationship with food.  Ever wonder why your kids snack on the neon orange puffs so much that they don't even want to eat their dinner?  Are you wondering this while you wipe that orange goo off your fingers?  Your children's eating habits directly reflect your eating habits.   Labeling foods as good or bad are loud messages to your kids, and shape their beliefs and opinions about foods, food choices, and their relationships with food.  Modeling a positive and balanced approach to eating is the best way to help your kids develop their own healthy eating habits.

5.  How you talk about them to other adults.  When you talk about your interactions with your kiddos to other adults, and you use insincere or sarcastic tones, they pick up on this.  They may not understand the words, but they know that you think negatively of the interaction.  This can impact their self-esteem and their relationship with you.  Be very mindful of the language you use to describe your child and your interactions, and ensure even negative interactions -- which, sadly, are inevitable -- are reflected in an honest and positive manner.  Take responsibility for your role in that situation, and help your kiddos understand how the interaction impacted you, too. Let them learn from this.  And yes, this is appropriate at all ages; clearly, the language you use will have to be developmentally appropriate, but even the littlest of littles knows when they upset their big person, and can learn from it.

6.  What you actually value.  What you say and do reflects more profoundly what you value than what you say you value.  They see what you say, and see how you behave and they also know if it is in line with what you say you value.  Honesty is the best policy ... except when it gets a free room at the hotel or a diminished entry fee at the park?  Effort and teamwork is more important but their first comment after a game is about winning?  

Relax, my friend.  It isn't the end of the world if you mess up.  What matters is it matters to you that you try your best to keep your language and your actions giving the right lessons to your kiddos, and you keep trying.  Because they see that too.  And love you for it.