Dragon fire

Know this: there is no other human on this planet (save, possibly, your spouse or parenting partner) who consider your child(ren) to be the most glorious, smartest, sweetest, kindest, and most amazing humans.  Possibly grandparents, but remember, they can leave when they want to.  You alone are as besotted.  I think probably this is so that when they turn into those viciously mean spiteful creatures they are capable of being, you will forgive them, and give them breakfast in the morning.  

I joke but .... young people are exquisitely attuned to the adults they know best, and they use that knowledge to their advantage when they want to be most cruel.  What may seem to be a thoughtless comment tossed at you is not only barbed at your most vulnerable of vulnerabilities but is also specially tuned to be the most hurtful to you and to you alone.  Don't worry, they have a special treat in store for your parenting partner, too, never fear.  This fun party trick is common with tweens and teens and, most notably, most evident in girls.  Girls' meanness is exceptionally precise, and oftentimes unpunishable.  What feels like a knife directly to the heart skims just under the border of retaliation and punishment that is at the same time admirable in its wit and acumen as it is in its ability to wound.  

Boys, honestly, can be quite hurtful, too, but more often than not, boys bumble around with their insults and lose steam before they actually get too malicious.  They flail, they yell, they sling abusive remarks, and then wind down.  Or they punch and get over it.  Girls?  No.  They are on a slow simmer, and you will inevitably get singed.

What to do, what to do?

Listen, first, it is okay to be hurt by something your child has said.  It is okay to be offended or really saddened.  You are NOT welcome to retaliate, but this is a beautiful time to tell them that they are out of bounds, that they have overstepped, that those words are not welcome here or anywhere, and just because they are at home does not mean they can act that way.  Remember, what happens at home is training ground for what can and should happen out there; in this training ground, they are developing the repertoire of social skills that they will use with everyone out in that big world.  This is the BEST place for them to learn what vocabulary (and tone, and gestures) are okay outside of the house by enforcing rules inside the house.  They know what they said is wrong.  They know they are being deliberately mean.  They also know you SHOULD call them on it.  So do.

Is it always the best time for a lecture?  No.  But telling them that you've been hurt, what they said was deliberately mean, and even if they were joking, it was painful.  If you're so hurt you can't say more than that, then leave it there.  But do do do say something.

Now, what do you do with this meanness?  Know this: there is almost always a reason.  Your job, dear parent, is to  figure out what it is, because likely your teen won't even fully be aware of why it is they are being mean to you.  

Maybe they are worried about your reaction.  Maybe they have done less-than-well on an exam, and they know that your response ("well, you could have studied more") isn't likely going to make them feel any better about that score.  Helping them label the defensive anger will lay some pavers for valuable conversations in the future: "are you worried I'd have a bad reaction?" helps them talk through the situation, their feelings, and their projected worry/feelings on us, and dealing with situations with words rather than mean-spirited barbs.  All useful skills out in the real world, sure, but also help them to deal with disappointment and shifting from a "I failed" point of view to one of possible growth and learning from mistakes.  You telling them "I told you you should study and not play video games" will be a lit match to dry tinder; them talking about it, coming to that realization themselves (which of course they will because they are, after all, your child, and therefore brilliant.  See first para for a reminder), and move through the beat-myself-up phase to what-I-learned phase and making steps for a change next exam.  

Maybe they are worried about you blabbing.  What feels like proud mama-sharing might actually feel to your kiddo as though you've revealed their greatest most shameful secret to all of the world.  Don't you get grumpy when your kids (and partner) reveal things about you?  Your kids deserve a space where they can dump details without having to worry about what other parent is going to hear about it.  You both need to agree on what is and is not fair game for sharing, and what should stay close-hold within the confines of the four walls of the house. A good starting point is that barring a crisis, or something that would indicate they or one of their peers are in immediate danger, we keep their secrets.  Moral support?  Sure.  Open ear?  Absolutely.  Shoulder to lean on?  Yes.  But unless it is critical information, we do not pass it on, and IF we do, then we include them in the process.  

Maybe this is not about you.  Sometimes your kids need to deal with things in their own way on their own time.  Sometimes, they just want you to be there when they are ready for you to be there, and you just need to wait (patiently, if you can) for that time.  In the meantime, let them know you're there, and you can and will listen.  And if they want to sit and veg with you on the sofa for a while, you are there.  Sometimes, the best thing you can offer your kids is your reassuring presence, general support and maybe a warm meal.  I know, that sounds old fashioned but the speed and velocity of teen emotions can be staggering.  They can and will be floored by it more than once.  Having a calm center in the middle of all of that angst and ick and chaos is a gift they don't know they need (so won't ask for).  Offer it, and let them know that you are not alarmed nor scared off by their angsty teenage ways.  

One thing that you will not regret ever ever is being more present. In fact, I would argue that kids -- especially teenagers -- want us to be present. Not necessarily interacting or talking with them, but present. Sure, when they are younger, you are of course a presence in their lives, taking them to and fro, organizing their playdates, playing games, getting food, giving them food, etc. When they are older, you become less of an active participant, but that does not mean you are not as important. You do need to make more of an effort to connect, sure, but doubtful they will embrace every idea for family time, but your presence is noted. And appreciated.

Wow, do I ever wish this were the answer to all instances that your teen will be mean to you, dear fellow parent.  Probably you'll want to save this list and reread and few times.  What I know for sure is that what you say and how your respond when your teen unfurls their dragon fire at you is important, and will likely take every once of patience and good intention in your heart.  Remember that you love this person, no matter how mean those words are, and how much hurt you might feel.  This person will soon enough again morph back into the most glorious, smartest, sweetest, kindest, and most amazing human you know they can be.  Just try try try to be the bigger person and not fire back.  You've got this.