Risk and reward, your teenager and you

This is going to be a little bit science heavy but hopefully by the end of this, you'll have a better understanding of your teenager's motivations, why they act like they have zero caution or sense (read: risk takers), and why they are actually not that different than we (sane) adults are. 

Question to consider: What motivates you?  I am assuming you are a mature, forward thinking, capable adult and you consider motivation to come from different intrinsic and extrinsic sources.  You might, for example, find self-validation or avoiding loss to be motivational.  You might fear "hitting bottom" and do everything you can to avoid that.  You might pursue learning and exploring motivational curiosity.  You might find autonomy or perhaps social approval and interaction to be a motivator.  I could list dozens of other motivators; if you've spent some time reflecting, you are aware of what motivates you to move, to do more, to take action and to actively pursue something.

In the learning process (for all mammals, not just humans): when something new is presented, we are motivated to learn about it, or discover more; the learning process includes a spike of dopamine to the various appropriate receptors.  You've heard about dopamine, yes?  It is the "feel good" hormone, and sure, it does that.  It also helps the brain predict and pursue rewards, pique attention to note "hey, there's something cool here, and you should pay attention."  The number of receptors for dopamine (and all hormones, really) increase during teenage years.  And, this means that the feelings of reward that result from the surge of dopamine being received also surges: they become extra sensitive to experiences, especially those that are emotionally charged, like if their teacher gives them praise in class or they are left excluded from the table at lunch.  

Kids -- teenagers especially -- are different.  I know, quelle surprise, right?  I mean, there are some commonalities: teenagers are motivated by what intrigues them, by what piques their curiosities.  Here's the thing about teenagers though: They are oftentimes more prone to risky behaviors and poor decision-making because their brain is physically not developed to handle the overload of signals.  Now, yes, there are teenagers that follow a more steadfast, look-before-you-leap pattern.  But there is one factor that hits all teenagers harder than adults: emotionally-laden situations are super complicated, and the more emotional it is, the harder it hits.  Other factors that really blow impulse control out of the water include stress, lack of sleep and conflict with loved ones (especially at home).  

Dopamine receptors are the same for all of us mammals.  We are born with some, we get many many more during adolescence/teen years, we use our different brain systems to keep pleasure and reward responses in check.  Except here's the catch: teenage brains develop in fits and spurts.  The part of the brain that gets the reward signal (the part that the dopamine receptors signal that something cool is happening) typically develops faster than the part of the brain that supports things like impulse control.  

The chemical soup that is the teenage brain is also impacted by other hormones that impact alertness, focus, mood and learning, as well as social bonding.  Dopamine might be the biggest player in the sandbox (impacting behavior, motivation and learning), but other players include serotonin (mood and sleep), GABA (focus), glutamate (learning) norepinephrine (alertness) and oxytocin (social bonding), never mind what is going on with the rapid shifts, spurts and hiccups in sex hormones.  I mean, did you ever watch the movies where the actor is morphing into the super hero/villain (like Bruce Banner into Hulk)?  Fits and spurts.  

The thing about this chemical potage is other outside interactions can also really ping the dopamine's impact.  Addictive drugs like cocaine, nicotine and methamphetamines mimic dopamine's effect causing intense highs.  Natural highs are clearly better choices, but that intense high from these drugs can be very hard to mimic and therefore not keep going back to, especially when one's impulse control systems are not fully formed.  Addiction to these harmful drugs is sadly very common amongst teenagers, and kicking the habit is a very difficult battle.  

Not all doom and gloom though: there are many different natural dopamine boosters out there, and you can all-you-can-eat buffet these experiences:

Novelty - experiencing new ideas, places or challenges. Teenagers eat this stuff up. The novelty of an experience or idea is very much appealing to the teen brain.

Social connection - belonging to a peer group and experiencing peer praise.  Enjoying the sense of shared group identity. Teenagers might brush off who they hang out with or having friends, but the innate need for social connection and acceptance is a huge motivator for teenagers.

Recognition - being seen, heard, and valued, especially by people held in high esteem.

Challenge - setting goals and striving to meet them.  Especially once goal achievement is attained. This is why one of the best ways to appeal to a teenager is by helping them achieve their (attainable) goals. Helping them figure out what is attainable is the hard part.

Purpose - feeling as though your voice, your work, you matter in the world. The feeling of purpose is a huge motivator for all ages, but is probably one of the hardest to articulate, and that is especially true for teenagers.

One more thing of note before we get into what this means for you as a parent (other than the gift of realization that your child is not unique in their occasionally bizarre behavior): dopamine, and the number of receptors for it also seem to play a role in ADHD.  Remember, dopamine plays a role in motivation and reward; if there are fewer receptors for dopamine, there is less opportunity to experience the feelings of both reward and motivation.  The mystery of ADHD is long from being solved, but one thing that has been noted in recent studies is the significantly fewer number of dopamine receptors in those diagnosed with ADHD as compared to others.  The message behind this difference is still being weighed, but it clearly has to do with how the brain rewards behavior and how it decides what is worth paying attention to.  Interesting tidbit/word of caution: most medicines that help individuals function well with ADHD boost the dopamine that is in the surrounding areas between the receptors and neurons helping to boost responses to "normal" levels; for those without ADHD, this medicine offers a synthetic high similar to the aforementioned cocaine and meth responses.  Another reason we have to be very aware of what's going on with our kiddos.

So what does this mean to you, my friend parent?   

Consider what is rewarding to your kids.  Consider what they respond to well.  

Add surprise and novelty and randomness to learning to keep things new and fresh.  Help your kids figure out a purpose and tie the work you are asking them to do (homework, housework or whatever).  

If you can identify someone your child really respects and responds to, sit down with them and decipher what it is about that person that they really appreciate.  Come up with behavior and attitude goals that correspond.  Write them down and tack them up in a very visible place so they can regularly see it and appreciate those qualities in themselves.  When you see those qualities, make note if it out loud to them.  Yes, they will squirm.  It's ok, do it anyway.

They have a big goal?  They have a project due or an assignment they have to complete?  Help them break it down into manageable achievable goals.  Check in on these goals regularly and reward their achievements.  And no, I don't mean participation-medal-sorts of achievements.  Appreciate and commend their effort.  Comment on their creativity.  Give them the kudos they are due, even if they don't get an A.

Your kids are such good kids.  They mean well.  They try.  Give them the credit they are due, and also, give them the space where they can learn how to deal with their growing and developing brain.