Reality versus fiction: Social media and relationships
- Susie Csorsz Brown
- Jul 2
- 5 min read
I’ll give you one guess: what is the one aspect of modern day reality that causes the most amount of angst and who knows what sorts of long-term negative impact? Social media. Specifically, social media lives and how much they differ from reality, and the impression of the difference comparatively speaking. Social media comparison refers to the comparison of one’s own life to that they view on social media, and includes the more-often noted adverse effects of such comparison on mental health. Sadly, the individuals most likely to struggle with social media comparison are young people.
The comparison is often not just limited to inform how one should behave or feel, but also how well one does things. Generally, the act of comparison is of oneself to those who are viewed as “higher status” (whatever that might mean) and rather than resulting in feelings of admiration, the one doing the comparison ends up feeling like they are not as good, not as nice, not as capable, etc. They feel as though they are lacking. This continued and constant comparison results in lower self esteem and sense of self-worth and unhappiness. Sadly, the younger the social media user, the more profound the impact. Another astonishing fact is that the vast majority of those doing the comparing are female (90% versus 60%) and more than 40% of those doing the social comparing end up feeling disappointed and sad and with a negative view of themselves.
Never mind that with the rise of technology, the ability to manipulate how we look has become effortless. How people – all people – look on social media now has a much more tenuous link to how we look in real life; individuals viewing social media often don’t keep that fact in mind when doing these comparisons. Another linked result: the more time teenagers spent on social media, the more they compare their bodies resulting in a negative perspective of themselves as social media use increases the intensity of these body image comparisons. The end result? More eating disorders.
That is a whole other conversation, friends. Let’s focus today on the impact of these social comparisons and relationships. Beyond the ability to distort what our physical appearance might be, social media also makes it easy for anyone to represent themselves and their relationships.
The mind loves to compare and now that we live in the age of digital connection, the mind has more things to compare itself to than ever. This is not only dangerous for our mental health but can be detrimental to our relationships.
It is easy to forget that our friends, family, and the popular personalities we follow mainly share their highlight reels. The steady stream of information we get on our phones is often the best of the best events and that can create deeply unrealistic expectations of what daily life should be like. “Highlights” are just that: snippets of a longer reality. We don’t see the argument that just took place, or the sloppy room behind the camera, or the jealousy that may exist off camera. The snippet is not a picture of the full day, nor the whole reality.
When you see videos of other people’s relationships, all of the laughing and picture-perfect vacations, it can make you crave the same things in your life. Craving is not picky; it will grab any appealing idea, attach itself to it, and use it as a means to create tension in the mind. The images you see online are likely of special moments or vacations, maybe a fancy date. Is that what is happening every day? The reality of day-to-day relationships more likely could not be more different from what we see online. Relationships have plenty of joyful moments, sure, but they also have a lot of quiet, unexciting, and trying moments. Big promotions, beautiful trips, weddings, and major life updates get many more clicks and views than talking about the mundaneness of grocery shopping or the hardship of debt. No one wants to post a picture of them doing dishes, but … likely they DO do the dishes. That’s reality. Constantly scrolling can make you underappreciate what you have and make you crave things that are totally unnecessary. And it can make you see gaps in your relationship that are just a figment of your imagination. Comparing yourself and your relationship to what is portrayed on social media distorts your idea of what a relationship can and should be.
Additionally, when you are interested in personal growth and follow therapists and other self-help people, you have to be mindful not to try to put your relationship into a “perfect” process. You and your partner are human, and by nature and definition, you will most likely not ever be perfect. A healthy relationship’s purpose is not how to love perfectly, but rather how to love better. And better will still contain messiness, down days, and a lack of clarity that someone outside of your relationship will not be able to resolve; it will be up to you and your partner to figure out solutions that will work for the two of you. Don’t try for perfection, try for improvement. And know that what works for you today may not be what works tomorrow or the next phase of your life together. Constantly working together towards better is what keeps a relationship progressing and positive.
Be mindful of the terminology that becomes temporarily popular online. Therapeutic words can quickly become trendy and then the ego may try to weaponize them in conversation. Make sure that if you are using new terminology you both have a clear and shared understanding of it. Remember, if you don’t understand each other, then it will be difficult to come to a new level of harmony.
There is a lot of beauty in relationship moments that will never go viral. Simple trips to the supermarket together, inside jokes that make you both snort-laugh and only the two of you can decipher, sitting silently on the couch, or just the small joy of discovering a new TV show—are all more relationship building than a staged sunset photo. Every moment does not need to be life-changing and blissful. If that is what you are expecting from a relationship, then you will miss many of the simple joys of being alive. The beauty of life happens in between the loud moments, in between the photos you’d want to share on social media. If you can stop looking for highs and teach yourself to live and enjoy the present moment, you will find that your appreciation of and expectations for your partner will reach a new level.
Don’t try to copy another person’s relationship. Even though social media makes it easy to crave what you are not currently experiencing, falling into the trap of craving what’s not in front of you will consistently lead to dissatisfaction. Find a balance between appreciating your relationship for what it is and having conversations with your partner about things you can work on to keep evolving the love you have for each other.
As social media continues to shape the landscape of modern relationships, it is essential to approach its integration mindfully. By recognizing both social media’s positive and negative impacts, couples can make informed choices that enrich their connections. Navigating the digital age requires a delicate balance between virtual interactions and genuine, face-to-face moments.
So, how to maintain a healthy relationship? With strong communication and understanding, couples can use social media to deepen their bond and foster meaningful relationships.
Relationships are complex, and navigating them is not always easy. Navigating them and the commitment to continue doing so is part of the relationship journey you’re embarking on together. And no, friend, social media comparisons is not going to bring you joy. So put the device down, and be present with your person.
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