Raising Humans

It's been a long and emotionally-wrought few months.  The last few weeks in particular.  But that is not what I am writing about.  I mean, I could.  I have a lot to share, a lot of emotions to consider, a lot to process.  But I'm still trying to work through all of the ups and downs of the last few weeks.  Very briefly, we made a family decision that brings my son to spend his senior year on a ship, adventuring around the Atlantic ocean, and that leaves me with a suddenly and unexpectedly empty house. That's not the point, though.

I'm writing to share a plea with parents.  I share this as a reminder to us parents: remember, we are raising human beings to be adults. It’s so easy to get caught in the mundane day to day fretting of a particular age and forget the entire process.  Being human means that we care about other humans, whether or not we are with our friends.

I recently had an incident recently with a carload full of teenage boys.

It was mob-mentality.  The tire light was on when I got in the car so had to stop and mess with putting air in the tires.  Took a lot longer than expected, and the doohickey at the end of the house did not have the pressure gauge ... suffice it to say, I had no idea what I was doing, and was likely doing it incorrectly.  And then the car was making noises.  

Okay, so back in the car and driving, and this carful of teenage boys pulls up next to mine, the one in the back, behind the driver, rolls down his window and begins gesturing at me to roll down the window; I immediately thought there was something wrong with the car, and they were trying to tell me.  Nice, I thought, thank you for letting me know.  But no, they just wanted to be assholes. They wanted to make me -- any female, not just me -- feel like she was lesser, like I am an object.  It wasn't just once, though , clearly, I did not roll my window down again.  So then they kept harassing me (slowing down when I tried to get away from them, speeding up when I tried to get past).  They followed me all the way to where I was living (10ish miles) which isn't a lot, but there were several stop lights along the way, and they just kept at it.  To them?  It was funny, ha ha look at us being so cool harassing this woman.  To me?  I don't know how I felt.  Irritated, obviously.  Scared?  Unnerved?  It's hard to capture the feeling, because I knew that I was alone in my car, and if something were to happen to me, my own people were not around to help.  I know better than to drive home, so I pulled into a grocery store, and they pulled in near me, and were revving around.  Finally, they left.

It wasn't me in particular they wanted to harass. I was a female within the vicinity.  In a car, with sunglasses on, they don't know how old I am.  This group of boys just saw a female, and thought it would be funny.  I have had run-ins with males before.  Usually groups, sometimes individuals.  I know I have mentioned here being grabbed while riding my bike or out for a walk or run.  I know I have mentioned being catcalled and harassed.  

Listen, parents, your kid needs to be the one in the car that says it isn't right.  

I am old enough, and have had enough experiences that I know how to make myself bigger, to be loud, and to say no.  I don't owe anyone a smile.  I don't owe anyone a conversation.  Just because I am a female does not mean I am lesser or weaker.  It just means I am female, and I have smaller bone structure.  I don't have to be a good girl.  I don't have to be polite.  I have every right not to engage and I certainly am not going to apologize if my ignoring you makes you feel hurt.  I can and will be polite and friendly, but not when my alarm bells are going off. 

Every human has the right to feel safe, and if their inner red flag is warning them, they have the right to not engage. It’s our duty to teach our kids that they do not have to conform to a societal standard where girls, and women, are expected to be good, smile and be polite in the face of feeling unsafe. Or in fact for any reason they choose, unsafe doesn’t even have to come into it.

And if you are raising girls, teach them about boundaries, their sense of self, gut instinct and what they are expected to do and not do. Not what society demands of them, not what men expect. If you are raising boys, teach them about boundaries, and what it looks like to be the one who says no to their friends, and takes care of others (especially those who might not be as strong).  These lessons for our boys and girls are not different; respect for others is the same.  Sticking up to peers, to friends, when they turn mob-like, is hard.  Especially for an adolescent who so craves peer approval.  But.  It is also the right thing to do, to make sure all people feel safe, have the right to their own space.