Fueling a Reaction
I am sure you have heard about what is going on at Cornell. I'm sure you have thoughts. So do I.
The thing about a teenager and young adult that you have to remember is that the power of peers and their approval is very very very important. Even when they know something is wrong, even when they want to do something about the wrongness, even when everything in their body says "do something to make it stop," the lure of peer approval is very very intoxicating.
I am not excusing the not taking action. I simply understand the psychological and developmental machinery behind the reluctance to take action and to step out of the flow. We are all in utter shock and horror at what continued unrolling of information about what happened at Cornell. This is not a new story; this is just the latest version of the same story. We all have our judgements about the men involved, about the fraternity mentality, about the officials at the school who seemingly did nothing. I say judgements because we have already convicted all of them. Perhaps rightly so. We don't have all of the facts, we don't know all of the story. What we do know is what happened is very very wrong. And, sadly, will happen again and again unless we do something about this repetitive story.
How can we make a difference? Using this awful situation as an example for conversation fodder, and lessons for our own kids is a good start.
First and foremost, talk to your kids. Talk to your boys. There is no age that is too young to have a conversation about what is right and wrong about how we treat other people. How we stick up for other people. How we use our voices to challenge when we see a wrong being perpetrated -- from not sharing blocks to taking someone else's toy to not giving back the borrowed book. Using one's voice to identify wrongs and help build community and equity and just treatment to all. Sure sure, the conversation looks different at age 5 than it might at 15 or 25, but the conversations have to start and it is YOUR JOB AS A PARENT to have the conversation.
That's a simplistic but simple first step.
And, yes, I know, what happened at the Fraternity party on Cornell campus -- and countless times before that -- was far more than a matter of "boys being boys" or inequity. There are so many layers that are circumstances that probably should have been addressed. Still, someone -- anyone -- raising a red flag and point and what was wrong would have been a good first step. Here's the thing though: the discomfort and imagined awkwardness we might experience by using our voice to speak out against something we see as unjust can impede a person from doing just that, and instead fall back on the choice of not wanting to deal with discomfort and awkwardness. It is HARD to be the nay-sayer. Perhaps, too, reluctance to speak out might be due to not knowing how to say something or what to say. The proverbial microphone feedback, if you will, that makes us awkwardly shrug and never mind and walk away. The first time we try it, speaking out, we feel scared and nervous and cloddish. The second time, the fit will be a wee bit more comfortable. The fifth? We'll be a well-oiled machine. The lesson here? Don't let the first time be in a moment of crisis. Practice practice practice using your voice. 100%, there is safety in silence. 100% it is hard hard hard to speak up to a peer. 100% creating an awkward moment is awful. But also, 100%, someone has to respond.
Here's another thought: Did those 57 young men who got that chat message about the girl, did they know they were in a crisis situation? 7 of them clearly did not. The other 50? Did any of them think about what they could do about the wrong that was clearly being committed in their upstairs rooms? Maybe. Did they know what to do about it? I'm going to say no.
The absolute best way to know how to respond in a crisis situation is to practice practice practice. Why do you think we do fire drills and emergency drills and intruder drills? So we know how to react in a crisis. I mean, in this particular situation, this was not only a crisis, it was also an on-going assault of a person. If you were a young man at this party, maybe had a beer or two, and you see on the group chat that there is a young woman upstairs, do you think you would know what steps should be to respond? This is where we come in, Dear Parents. This is YOUR conversation to have. TALK TO YOUR KIDS. Talk to your boys about what to do if they see something like this. Specifically talk about each step they would take. What does it look like? What are some of the difficulties or challenges they might face? Where would they be when they call someone? Who do they know who can help them? Can they break a window or pull an alarm? Who can they call? Do they have that number in their phone? Where is an emergency place to go (urgent care, college medical, police station, etc)?
When we practice the best way to respond, it becomes more automated, which is helpful when our brain reacts to a crisis by switching off rational thought and switches on instinctive run-away thought. Run-away thought is not considering diplomatic negotiations, run-away thought is not coming up with multi-step actions that would be the best for all involved, run-away thought is not thinking about saving the girl, but rather thinking only about saving one's self. Over-riding run-away thought can be done with practice, repetition of desired response, and the confidence that comes from that practice and repetition. Have the conversation with your kids about these situations, walk through what they could and perhaps should do. Certainly, you don't want them to be amongst the Cornell 7 but we also don't want them to be amongst the Cornell 50, either.
I saw that Cornell has cancelled all fraternity events for the undetermined future. I mean, I think that is a step. The thing is, though, that those who are inclined to behave in such a way are not going to stop that sort of behavior just because the venue has been taken away; by taking away fraternity parties, we are only changing the location of the problem. The same domineering, sexist and violent acts will continue to occur until we look at the root of the behavior. The root of the behavior is a need to show dominance, and if not that, then to conform. "Brotherhood" is not defined as "dominators" but by all accounts, that is exactly what happened at that fraternity party and happens again and again all over the world in myriad of stages from "bro" jokes to sharing lewd pics of girls on phones to try to "seem cool" to the good ol' boy comments in a conference room. It is not okay to objectify a n y o n e. It doesn't show skill, nor comradeship, nor power. It just highlights that person as an a$$hole.
Right now, quick: without looking at your phone: what is the phone number of your second emergency contact? Not sure? Okay, another phone question: how many emergency numbers and contacts do you have programmed into your phone? I imagine most of you know your own number, and your partner's number, but long gone are the days when we needed to memorize any phone number beyond our own because the phone does all of these things for us. Use this to your advantage. I mean, in a crisis situation, you get one phone call... do you know the number of the person who can best help you? PUT IT IN YOUR PHONE. Make the note on the contact who the person is and why and when you would call them. Be nice to your future self responding in a crisis so you don't have to use rational brain so you can be that many steps closer to getting the help you need to help the situation. Help your kids do this same task with their phones. If that person is you, Dear Parent, when they call, you respond to help. You do not give judgement, you do not give criticism. That is a conversation for another day.
My friends, this is so important. Give yourself, give your kids, give the young people you know the tools they need to respond. Know the steps, know the people who can help, know the place to go. Don't put it off and we end up again with yet another situation in the news that just breaks our collective hearts.
I don't even know how many times I have written something along this same vein. What I know for sure is that as long as we continue to hear about repeat occurrences, I will continue to say something. And encourage others to do the same. “The greatness of humanity is not in being human, but in being humane.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
For further reading:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2026/10/09/headmasters-challenge-his-male-students-speak-up-about-rape/?
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