Patience you must have, my young Padawan

“Patience is not simply the ability to wait - it's how we behave while we're waiting." ~ Joyce Meyer 

"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

A very familiar feeling — as a human, as a parent, as a person who interacts with others — is that angsty tightness we feel when things just aren’t going as we want them to go, perhaps not as quickly or in the imagined direction. When impatience rears it’s ugly head, it can be very hard to tamp it back into its container.

Patience is a skill I try very hard to work on, and I know that I have considerable more tolerance with others than with, say, my kids or husband. It is not good for my relationships to be so quick to feel frustrated or annoyed because things are not going my way; I try to put a lot of energy into being more patient. As impatience has been a lifelong companion, I know this is a skill I have yet to perfect and should continue to work on.

Some ways that I noticed I get impatient:

• I want myself to make progress (on a project, skill, habit) quickly, and I get impatient when it takes longer than I had hoped

• I get frustrated when I’m teaching something to someone and they don’t get it right away (Am I now doing a good job of teaching? Are they not learning?)

• I get frustrated when other people aren’t moving as quickly as I want to move (I want it done my way and in my timeline)

  
  

Do any of these sound familiar? Let’s take a look at how to become more patient — but be warned that developing patience takes … a bit of patience! I know that’s ironic, but I want to set up the expectation that it’s not an immediate switch for most of us. It takes practice.

So what exactly is the root of our impatience? Before we can see how to shift ourselves to a more patient mindset, we have to understand why we’re impatient.

Often we’re impatient because we want what we want, and we want it now: we want measurable progress, immediate results, and we want to be past the part of the process where we are novices or not skilled, and instead be to the point where we are good at the skill. The growth phase is messy and discombobulating; we want to be to the smooth sailing part. Past the kitchen construction phase, and into the hosting a dinner party. Past the hot spot and blister phase and into the hiking up to the summit and enjoying the view.

Here’s the catch: If we’re unwilling to go through the growth phase, and experience the discomfort of that, then we’ll be unable to experience the growth.

But beyond this impatience to get to the finish line already … we also want other people to act the way we want them to act — to move and learn quickly, to do things the way we want them to do it, and just perform as we say. Just like we do not have grace for ourselves to go through the growth process, we may find ourselves not allowing the grace for other people who are growing as well. We expect them to already do things perfectly.

As a parent, we have to rechannel our impatience when we enter the No-me-do-it phase because your kid taking 45 minutes to tie one shoe imperfectly is actually the BEST way for them to learn that skill. This is 100% applicable to all life skills. Yes, you doing it will get you out the door quicker, but you cannot always be there to tie the shoelaces for them (and please don’t even get me started on Velcro shoes).

So how do we capture the monster that is impatience, and lean into having more appreciation for the growth phase? The answer lies in developing some grace for ourselves and others who are going through a growth process.

And that means learning to develop a tolerance for the discomfort of being in the growth process. I get it, it is not comfortable being a beginner and messing up a lot, and it is not comfortable when there is no order. A large part of that impatience you feel is the very human urge to move out of all of that discomfort towards more order.

Patience is developing the ability to tolerate discomfort. How do we do that?

We can learn to see the beauty and joy in growth and learning.

Can we find beauty in making mistakes? This is where learning takes place.

Can we find joy in being a beginner? This is the place where so much is possible.

Can we find beauty in messiness? This is where creativity happens.

Can we find joy in not moving as quickly as we want? In slowness, we can deepen our curiosity.

Can we find beauty in watching and being with our kids as they move through the messy growth phases and develop their own skill at (insert task here)?

My friends, let’s move towards this great level of appreciation of growth, learning, slowness, messiness by trying to notice whenever you are feeling impatient. When you want to move quickly, when you want results now, when you want people to learn or move as quickly as possible.

When you notice the impatience, pause and breathe. See this as a chance to appreciate the messiness, the process. Slow down for a moment, and reflect on what beauty you can find in the growth, in the mistakes, in the learning, in the being a beginner, and going slowly. This grace is not just for you, but for those around you as well. Take the time to breathe and be, and slowly, the appreciation will grow.

Take a breath, my friends, and revel in the process, the messiness, the lack of forward movement. You will one day have patience to appreciate all of this mess. And not just because Yoda told you to do so.