Feed me!

One of the best things we can do for our relationships -- parental, sibling, marital, friendship -- is to feed them.  What, exactly does 'food' for a relationship look like?  A couple of suggestions.

Laugh together. A new study out showed that the relationships that endure are those wherein those involved laugh together.  Not just at funny shows, or books, but through genuine interest and joy found together.

Do things you are both/all interested in.  Yes, this means you will be compromising.  You will not always get to do exactly what you want, nor will the other(s).  But I can promise a happy middle ground can be reached, and you will enjoy the activity together (maybe eventually, maybe initially reluctantly, but it will be a good thing!).  Be it a trade-off on your vacation plans, or making concessions for the weekend's events, meeting each other halfway (or somewhere nearer to the middle than each end) not only show respect for the other's wants, interests and needs, but also allows for a rich discussion as you discover what it is the other is interested in, why, and look into why that might interest you as well.  

Explore.  Do new things together. Go to new places, learn new skills.  Referring to the last suggestion, sometimes, your compromise might be you do one of your things this time, and the next it'll be the other's turn.  Or perhaps you'll all head off in an entirely new direction for both of you!  Regardless, learning and discovering new things together is a bonding thing.  And doing bonding things together is a good thing.  Quality AND quantity.

Talk. Discuss. Listen. No monologuing allowed.  Communication is a two-way street; it is not a lecture, not an interview and most definitely it is not a filibuster.  You are giving ideas, and getting ideas, and actively listening.  You are open and receptive.  You are not holding/reading/looking at an electronic device.  In fact, best is if all devices are out of the room.  Focus on who you are talking to.  This is an important person!  This is someone you want to spend time with, learn new things about, and share who you are with.  Connections come from communication. You can learn new things even about people you've known a long time, and spent a good deal of time with.  Beyond your adult relationships, open communication is essential for your relationship with your kids to continue to grow as they do; their interests, friends and other relations, and every-day occurrences vary so hugely that continued interactions are vital to knowing what is going on in their lives.  The more two-way it is, too, the more likely you will be to avoid the dreaded ‘teenage angst’ and fights about privacy and intrusion and slamming door fits.  (and, really, who doesn’t want to avoid that?!)

Every day, no matter what, show appreciation.  By actively showing appreciation, you reaffirm (to yourself, to your person, to the world) the importance of the relationship.  No, this doesn't have to be a physical gift.  It can be an appreciative comment (not in a lewd construction-worker sort of a way, although a well-played wolf whistle can go a long way toward boosting one's ego).  It can be a a note.  It can be as simple as a hand on the back to show how much you like that the person is there.  My kids love when they get a one-arm hug when I get them after school.  Full hug, they are too cool for, but they are usually really excited to see me and have news to share about their day.  Best part is still lean in when I do this; I know the days of their enthusiasm to see mom are probably numbered.  

Fight well.  You will undoubtedly argue, butt heads and mess up.  You will undoubtedly be angry at one another.  Fighting well doesn't mean you won't fight, but rather that you don't use words to deliberately hurt your person, and though you may be angry, you make an effort to see their side of the situation as well.  "You" statements typically do not make for good communication as they are accusatory and make whomever is receiving the statements feel defensive and attacked.  Just because you are angry at something does not mean you don't like this person; it is important to remember that and convey it.  Fighting well is an important sign that you are carefully considering their feelings, and that you respect what they have to say.  You can feel worried or angry and not be inflammatory. You have the right to express how you feel. You do not have the right to hurt feelings.

You can't be someone else's everything.  One person doesn't fit into that mold.  No parent, no spouse, no friend, can be another’s One-and-Only.  Why?  Because if you are then you are trying too hard to fit into someone else’s mold of what is ideal.  Or "ideal" which is probably more accurate. This is why you are surrounded by so many amazing people; the more people you meet and befriend, the more you realize how much value each person brings to your life.  As I say often, one can never have too many friends. 

Remember: taking care of your relationships also means taking care of you.  Me-time is important, folks.  Me time feeds YOU, and without you, there is no ‘us’ right? So … take time to take care of you, too, so that, in turn, you can give back to others.