If nothing else, be consistent

I am a rule- and schedule-lover, and I am not going to apologize for it. At the same time, I love a spontaneous rambling adventure. For me, the best times are with my kids, even if it is as simple as going to the mall, and hanging out over some weird food concoction in the food court.

I love that there’s this pure and beautiful area of life where we are grounded, engaged, and deeply connected. My relationship with my kids has always felt right, and I’ve always trusted myself as a parent, and I’ve managed not to drag the high strung bewilderment of other parts of my life into that space. I didn’t come here to brag and I don’t think it’s that useful to others to say “Oh, that was surprisingly easy for me!” But I want to mention it here because I think you’re going to find your way to self-trust and self-love and big, enjoyable desires more quickly than you realize, because you already know how to trust yourself and feel grounded and have a good time.

So let’s talk about WHY it’s so easy with your kid. My guess is that you’ve always respected your child’s loving nature and spirit and energy, and you’ve created a lot of space for those forces without letting them run rampant over you. You’ve set up firm boundaries but you’ve also been a friend to your kid every single day. No. matter. what. There probably aren’t a ton of rules but the rules are understood and presented without drama and treated as simple and inescapable. You are consistent.

You make firm decisions and you stick to them and you don’t overthink the work that comes from these commitments. That’s a kind of rigidity and intellectual dedication to a cause that is actually very useful, even though when you apply it to your emotional life it can really mess with you. Celebrate these tough and firm and recalcitrant dimensions of your personality right now, because they brought your life structure when you needed it and they also provided firm boundaries and rules in parenting — just enough that you could also relax and engage and respect your child as a wild, interesting, creative, baby animal.

Not everyone can commit this kind of consistency, and that is ok.

What if you did the same thing with yourself? What if you set up a certain amount of time that goes to tasks around the house that you have to get done every week? But be kind - Not every day can handle a responsibility because some days get screwed by outside forces and we can’t go around blaming ourselves for that every time! And then once you fulfill those requirements, you let yourself roam a little, experiment, wander, have an ice cream cone.

The adventurous wanderings, make this into a treat. It absolutely makes sense why your relationship with your kid is so good. Those times are your rewards, and you show up for them fully, you’re present, you engage, you savor it as much as you can. (and yes, my friend parents of younger kids, do not panic! This is not always easy to do with tiny kids but it gets easier as they get older and talk more!)

Go wander. You'll get your tasks done later. Be consistent and present with your adventuring. The connection and time you get with your kids will be worth it. Those tasks around the house will still be there when you get home.