Open that door

Our kids are amazing, aren't they? They are also like closed doors, especially as they get older. It gets harder and harder to get any details about the many hours they spend away from you, no matter how much you prod and ask. You may consider reframing how you are asking to get better (read: more informative) responses.

You have heard of closed questions versus open questions, right? A closed question is one that elicits a specific kind of information, usually a short factual response.

How was your day? Fine. Hard. Tiring. Boring. You asked, they answered.

An open question, on the other hand, is an invitation to elaborate, and allows for more freedom of expression.

What was your favorite class today?

Who did you sit next to in math?

Did you try anything new at lunch?

If you could redo one part of today, what would it be?

Maybe there is a big project due, and though you are dying to know how it is progressing, it is important to get your cues from your kiddo.

Is it okay if I ask how the project is going?

I don't need every detail but I'd love to know a little about how your day passed.

By inviting a story or a narrative, you are giving them a starting point.

Listen, when you ask the question(s) is also important. Right after school, fresh off the bus, your kid is tired and drained. It's been a long long day, probably filled with ups and downs, and thinking hard and socializing and all of the peer interactions that go along with it. School is hard. Let them decompress a little before you try to get them engaged in conversation.

Especially on days that have big emotional swings or less-than-positive experiences, your kids are still processing when they walk in the door. Give them the grace to move through this processing before asking them to talk about it.

Give them the privacy they deserve, especially as they get older. Remember that their lives -- especially their social lives as school -- are theirs to master. They know how to be excellent at being your child; they are still mastering the skill it takes to be socially at ease away from you. Let them know you respect them, respect their privacy and are always there for them if needed.

Remember too, that your kids learn how to communicate by watching you and your communication skills. Share snippets from your day, talk about mistakes or slip-ups, share silly errors, talk about victories and frustrations. Model it is safe to talk about these goings-on from your day, and they too will respond in kind. Modeling that it is okay to be vulnerable and honest, even when the story isn't completely positive teaches them about real life and communication.

One last thing: don't offer advice. Unless they specifically ask for it, offering (especially unsolicited) advice can make the recipient feel as though you don't have the confidence that they can solve the situation/problem on their own. This takes away their hard-earned teenage power. Let them ask you for advice when/if they want it, even if it takes every ounce of your will power to not "You should..." them because you probably do know from experience (not necessarily know better, though). You can't problem-solve a problem that is not your own. The minute your kid hears "Maybe next time you should..." is when they will shut down. They are frustrated or struggling with something; validate that feeling. It is very real.

Getting your kids to talk can be challenging. Your once-upon-a-time chatterbox might now be the sullen kid in the corner with noise cancelling headphones on. Still, I promise with loving patience, kindness and acceptance, you can and will get them to open up.