Discipline = ???

It happens.  It happens sometimes in stunning locations, volumes and actions, but the truth of it is: all kids misbehave.  Totally normal kid behavior includes tantrums, hitting, hitting, talking back, not listening, throwing food, shoving their sibling, calling names.  Your job, as the adult in the room, is to figure out how to respond (and maybe how NOT to respond) in order to hopefully limit these behaviors from And part of the job of parenting is figuring out how to respond (and how to not respond) in order to limit these behaviors and teach our kids how to grow up and become functioning and socially-adept adults who do not throw tantrums and hit people.  I know.  When you watch your kid mid-tantrum, it is hard to imagine that scenario becoming reality.  You’ve got this. 

So.  How do we accomplish this?  Especially when we are showered with advice/mandates on what NOT to do.  Don’t give time-outs.  Don’t be permissive.  Don’t be pushed around.  Don’t be inconsistent.  Don’t be too soft.  Don’t be too strict … seems like every option is doomed to fail.

Remember this: “discipline” means to teach.  That means that the end goal of this interaction with your kiddo is to teach them about what behavior meets expectations and is acceptable.  In order to achieve this lesson being successful, discipline needs to be effective.  What does that even mean?

Here’s the thing about discipline: what works one day for one kid may or may not be effective in a week.  Or a different phase.  Or with a different kid.  The one thing we can guarantee with children is that they will, in fact, always change and grow, whether or not it is in a way that we want, wish or will them to so … how do we help guide them in the direction that is in keeping with “normal” expectations of behavior and social interactions?   If you hear nothing else, hear this: at the heart of discipline is the positive reinforcement of your relationship with your child, and your ability to influence how they view and interact with the world.  Positively impacting discipline will help your child to be happier, more secure adults, to more positively view their social interactions and to be more confident in their role in the world.  Sounds like a lot, right?  This is achieved by reinforcing what TO DO rather than what NOT to do. 

Effective discipline includes a few key elements:

1. Recognize that children are not adults. 

Your children – even through teenage years – are not yet fully rational beings.  Kids often do irrational stuff and that is completely normal.  Yet we as rational adults continually (bang our head against the proverbial wall by) trying to improve their behavior with discussion and reasoning.  No. 

What works is consistent short directive interactions with focus on what behaviors are wanted, rather than trying to explain why the behavior is bad or why it happened. 

2. Set up a clear system of rewards and consequences. 

Short, specific period for correction (count of three, for example) with a define consequence (e.g. a time out or a loss of a related privilege).   Kids do not respond well with the veiled threat of “just wait until your dad gets home!”  Once the activity is out of mind, the punishment/consequence is no longer related.  You, rational adult, have to tie the action with the specific consequence.  Not the other responsible adult, but you. Positive behavior = immediate reward.  Unwanted behavior = consequence.  Full stop. 

A quick note on consequences: there is little if any evidence that corporal punishment (such as whipping or spanking) is effective.  In fact, it can even worsen outcomes.  A consequence is not necessarily a physical or punitive experience; often, the most effective consequences are the absence of something deemed to be positive (e.g. reading a story together, or having time on the playground), and not actual pain.

3. Be consistent.

Whatever system you use, you use it every.single.time.  If the consequence of counting to three is a time-out, then there needs to be a time-out every time. If you say no, you need to stick to no. If you say no to dessert and then your child whines and you give in, they learn that whining works. If you say you are going to stop the car if the kids keep fighting, you need to be ready to stop the car (safely!).  Do not issue a threat of a consequence if you are not 100% ready to follow through every time the unwanted behavior happens.

Viewing discipline is an opportunity to teach your kiddo something can help you realize the positive side of the interaction, and how you both can learn something together as you move through your parenting journey.  Don’t worry, you’ve got this.  Really.