I am a fixer, so I always want to fix things for people.  (I am also a people pleaser so when I get to help someone and it pleases them, that is my happy moment!). 

The thing is: sometimes, our role as a parent is NOT to fix things; a lot of situations that kids go through – regardless of their age – are teachable moments and necessary for kids to go through and learn from.  Much as we may want to put our kids in a cushioned room or bubble, we can’t keep them away from all mistakes or difficult avoid all mistakes nor can we insert ourselves in all of their snaggly types of situations.  Part of growing up successfully is being able to navigate all situations, and not just those that leave us feeling happy.

As a fixer, this gives me a lot of angst.  It is not my normal state to just sit by and not … fix things.  (insert stressed out, eyes bulging emoji here)  Just saying.

Here’s the other crux of being a fixer: not everyone wants to have their problem fixed.  Maybe they just want to vent, or blow off steam, or talk about the situation.  Maybe they want to bounce ideas off you.  Maybe they find your solutions offered to previous situations to be too reactive (or not reactive enough).  Maybe they are just telling you about their day.

What works for me and feels like the most natural of responses may not be what the person standing in front of me needs or wants.  Maybe they just want me to be there, and be present as they work through it for themselves. 

A suggestion: the way to find a way forward is the Helped, Heard or Hugged Method.  (Note: this is not a fix.  Really.  Just a suggestion. )  The Helped, Heard or Hugged method is an excellent way to help you (me) find real awareness of what the other person needs in that particular situation.  Help them help themselves, as it were.  And this is something that can apply to people of all ages, and in all varieties of interactions from your kids to your colleagues and boss to community members.

When someone comes to you with a problem, ask:  “Do you want to be Helped, Heard, or Hugged?”

• Helped: Together, you’ll deconstruct the problem and identify solutions.  Maybe your troubled person has the skills they need to solve the problem themselves, but are so upset or overwhelmed they forgot.  Or maybe they need to be distracted or moved from the situation in order to not be overwhelmed.  Maybe we can help make this situation easier by changing the goal or expectation, or changing gears and slowing things down.   Maybe helping looks like actively listening, and asking insightful questions.  Maybe offering guidance or resources.  “Helped” is an active participation in working towards that solution.

  
  

• Heard: You are listening intently and allowing the other person to vent.  Listening intently with all of your focus (no devices!) and being present.  You are listening, not actively participating in finding the solution.

  
  

• Hugged: You are providing comfort, maybe with an actual hug or by being quietly present.  Providing empathy with understanding and validation of their feelings, providing a non-judgmental space, helping your person to feel reassured.  Potentially the support may look like coping strategies, offering compassion and support navigating the challenging situation.  You are a support system, not an active participant.

Why does this method work?

By helping the person with the situation define what it is they would most like/need, we are doing them a favor and doing one for ourselves at the same time.  First, it reflects respect for the other’s perspective and needs, and an understanding that how we might want to respond to them may not be what they need from us.  Because this is not about us, right?  This is about them.

Second, it provides choice, and in choice, we give them a sense of control.

Third, we are helping the person develop their own sense of self-awareness to better identify what it is they feel capable of and to diagnose the steps needed to find a solution to their situation.  We are helping them, too, to be able to identify what support they need, which is a very new skill to younger kids.  We are hopefully inspiring and encouraging more self-reliance which leads to resiliency and grit.  We are meeting them in a way that best suits them and the specific situation.  And we are saving our Fix-it energy and skills for circumstances where they are necessary and valued. 

So.  Helped, Heard or Hugged.  Eliminate the struggle with supporting your people in ONLY your way, and instead do it in the way that suits them best.