Yelling yellerson

You know what it feels like inside your mind, your stomach, your body when you are angry and you just explode with words and irritation and volume.  You know what it is like to not see or hear anything but mad mad mad.  Do you ever consider what that is like for the person at whom you are directing all of that mad?

Listen, yelling can be therapeutic, and cathartic.  But it can also be traumatic and hurtful.  How do we help someone who is so mad that all they can see is red, and deescalate the situation to get back to a point where a discussion can be had.  Or at least minimize the volume a notch or two.

A couple suggestions.

First, know that telling someone to calm down will likely have the opposite effect.  No one likes to hear that; it sounds patronizing at best and judgy or antagonizing at worst.  Apologizing for something is also not necessarily going to fix the situation: that will feed into the yeller's ego, and probably validate their yelling response, even if it is not warranted or necessary.  Your response should not be to make them feel better or less angry; instead, your goal should be to find a way to return to rational discussion.  In order to accomplish that, you'll have to achieve two things: protect your boundaries and also make your angry person feel genuinely heard. 

A few things you can try.

Help me understand what happened from your perspective.  This response is actually useful even if there are multiple people yelling.  This phrase helps the yeller(s) see that you are there to listen, you are there to help, and you want to understand.  When someone is angry, they can't see things from any other perspective than their own.  With this phrase you are not promising to help them or to fix things, but you are promising to listen which is very important and validating. 

I can see how important this is to you.  Again, validation is the key here.  You are not telling the yeller they are right or wrong, but you are listening to them.  You are recognizing that the hurt, and the emotion related to the yelling is valid; you are not saying their actions are appropriate but their feelings are.

You're right that ... this technique, disarming, helps move the yeller from red-faced-pissed-off-not-listening anger to a point where they might be able to have a discussion.  The goal isn't to agree with what they are saying 100%; you are looking for a tiny little kernel that you honestly agree with, and start from there.  Acknowledging their correctness on one true thing -- even if it is not the entire story that they are angry about -- often makes people much more willing to listen to your context or explanation.

I'm willing to talk, but not if we are yelling at each other.  We're not going to say "calm down" because we already know that is not going to have the effect we are hoping for.  Instead, we are telling the yeller that we are wanting and ready to talk, but not if the conversation is not respectful.  The goal isn't to win the argument, but rather to move the conversation to a level where you might have a productive discussion.  

I have an idea that might help.  Do you want to hear it?  Not everyone wants a problem solver.  Not everyone wants a fixer.  Don't assume that the angry person in front of you is looking for either of those things.  This phrase is useful only after the yeller has had the chance to fully vent.  Once they have explained their anger, and you genuinely understand their point of view, you can suggest moving the conversation toward problem-solving.  

I want to hear you but I can't do that when it is at this volume.  Honestly, sometimes people are not ready to let go of their mad, and they are still in venting mode.  Sometimes they just need to get the yelling out.  Perhaps they are too overwhelmed to listen, too angry to think clearly, or too set on fighting for anything to happen productively.  This is a good time to call a timeout.  Just take a break, agree on a time to sit back together and walk away.  You have to make it clear that you want to help, you want to engage with them, but not when it is at this level, this volume.  Framing the pause in a way that makes it clear that you are not dismissing them not only protects them, but also offers them respect, and gives a time to have the conversation when you are both in a better place to have it.

You know, there are times when you try all of these tricks and maybe more, and the anger is still there, just as loud and red as it is at the beginning.  Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself, and for that relationship is to set one final clear boundary: The way you are speaking to me is not working for me.  I am not going to take part in this kind of conversation.  Unless we can have a different conversation, I am going to have to leave the conversation.  And if the behavior does not change, follow through.  Leave the room, hang up the phone.  This is actually another show of respect because walking away isn't giving up on the relationship; rather, it is refusing to participate in a conversation that is no longer productive.  And you have the right to protect your peace of mind too, regardless of how angry this yeller might be.