"We" Empowerment

Have you wondered about people who have been in a relationship for a long time, and asked how is it they are still together … and do they still like each other?   I know, a surprising question, and maybe because it’s too personal, or maybe the general assumption is that if they are together, they must love each other. But I don’t think you can assume that.

People stay together for a lot of reasons. Convenience.  Habit.  Unwillingness to poke the elephant in the corner.  Love might be one of them. But when I say love, I don’t mean obligation, history, or shared responsibilities.  That’s too comfortable, and passive.  I mean passionate, romantic closeness—the cuddle-your-cold-toes-against-my-legs-under-the-covers kind of love. The kind of enduring love that Carrie Bradshaw finds with Mr. Big in Sex and the City or the couples in the short snippets in When Harry met Sally are sharing their stories.  This is capital L Love that includes active seeking out of one another for engagement, and for connection, and regular leaning in as though it is part of daily sustenance.

How about the idea of relational empowerment?  For the last decade, we have been culturally focused on individual empowerment—self-care, doing it alone, knowing individual worth.  Relational Empowerment is very different from Personal Empowerment as it involves learning to relate with another or others for the wellbeing of all.  In fact, yes, I have found comfort in telling myself, I could do it on my own. Here’s the thing:  I don’t want to.  Leaning on relational empowerment, I find I actively want to align our needs and wants—and then do it together. I want to believe, deep down, that together, we can have it all.  That we will continue to turn in and tune in.

“I/We commit to standing toe to toe with you and do my/our very best to insist on healthy intimacy between us, because I love you. Because I love us and our relationship. And because we both deserve it.“

Many of us feel quite competent, or rather, content in our relationships although a large majority of people are aware that their skills might need updating, upgrading or refining, to move from good (enough) relationships to great relationships.  Emotion regulation and empathy are particularly important skills of relational empowerment, which is a process of gaining inner freedom and confidence to show up more fully in your life and relationships, and in so doing, empowering others to do the same.  It is about going toe-to-toe, supporting and working together with your whole heart and voice, succeeding as we work together and both of you knowing that most importantly, you want the other to win.  As we progress, we are more engaged, and it is no longer about power over the other; “winning” is not an individual gain.  The end goal is a mutually beneficial, mutually respectful, mutually supportive relationship. 

Ask yourself this: what is your end goal?