Shake it off

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

“… people can say whatever they want about us at any time, and we cannot control that. The only thing we can control is our reaction to that. When you live your life under … scrutiny, you can either let it break you, or you can get really good at dodging punches. And when one lands, you know how to deal with it.”

Friends, here’s an important lesson to teach your kids. It’s not an easy one to learn, and it will take multiple mishaps before they finally will truly own this concept: The opinions of others are not as important as we think they might be, especially in the moment.

‘I am the leader of my life; I can choose to believe what I want. I can choose to hear what others are saying about me, or I can choose to have enough faith in myself and my abilities and leave those opinions behind.’   

Here’s the thing: everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  Everyone has their own perspective.    Some of the opinions you might hear from others could actually be useful and constructive feedback; others are purely judgmental or negative.  How to find the space in all of that where you hear but aren’t pulled down and into the muck?

A couple of things to remember:

We are, as humans, heavily impacted by social influence: we like to be liked, we liked to get validation from others.  But.  We also have to be fully aware that we cannot and will not always please everyone else.  Also, opinions are highly subjective.  What appeals to one person does not appeal to others. 

You need to be honest with yourself, and gift yourself the time to be reflective and self-aware: what are your own values and goals?  Identifying what your core beliefs are helps you recognize what is and what is not in line with your values.  This helps you to better understand where you are coming from, and allows you to be more accepting of opinions that maybe aren’t inline with your own.  In addition, the more you lean in to owning your core beliefs, the more we can allow others to do the same. 

Sometimes the judgement stems from negative or limiting beliefs on the part of others.  It is truly helpful to develop the skill to recognize these judgey judgersons for what they are themselves lacking.  That isn’t to say that you should start judging them; rather, knowing what to expect from these individuals – and avoiding them – can help you find more peace in your life.  It’s important to be able to recognize feedback as constructive, too.  Feedback from trusted sources can be a valuable tool for self-improvement. 

Instead, you can look for and spend more time with others who have similar opinions, values, and beliefs as do you. With seven billion people inhabiting Earth right now, with all different personalities and opinions, you won’t have to look far to find those who agree with you. Seek out your own kind for mutual support and growth.  Being around people who share your visions and goals is tremendously more helpful than trying to change those who have the opposite agenda of yours. It’s no coincidence hobbies were invented—regardless of what you’re into, a local group has already sprung up near you to bring together passionate and kindred spirits.

Another thing that helps is taking the time to ask yourself: Would someone who really knows me and cares about me say the things that have me upset? (Besides an older sibling, I mean.)

I wish it weren’t so, but it is: there are always going to be name-callers out there. There are always going to be the mean people, who have an opinion (may or may not be a valid one), and they will share this opinion with however many whomevers they want. Just because they can. Mean people stink, but they do exist. The weapons you have against mean people? How much you listen to what they say, how much you let them hurt you with their words, and how you react. The less you react, the less they see how their words sting, the greater your ability to make them stop saying whatever it is they are saying. But that can be so very hard to do.

Developing the skill to assertively, respectfully and clearly express your opinions.  It might be that this Negative Nelly in front of you has no idea how their opinions are impacting you. They might not be aware of how caustic they sound, or how they come across as being caustic and judgey.  Rather than getting defensive and hurt, try to understand the other person’s perspective. 

Listen, I know this can be hard.  As adults, we should have developed the ability to do this, to get back up again when people say mean things to or about us. Let’s say that as we age, our skin gets a little thicker. Kids, though, still need to learn this lesson. For them, often retaliation or a moping session is the end result when someone has been mean or taunting. As much as I wish it could be this easy, my telling my kids too ‘shake it off’ and get back in there isn’t yet going to be effective. They need to learn A) to develop that aforementioned thicker skin, to be sure, and also B) they need to realize their own self-worth, and know that one (or two) mean kids calling them names or being mean doesn’t mean they are less worthy. (Even if the name-caller is their older brother or sister.)

At one point or another, everyone has to endure a caustic comment or a mean person’s attacks. How you deal with it depends wholly on you. You could don short shorts and ‘shake it off’ like Taylor, or use whatever mechanism you have to let the words roll off. Because, you, my friend, are worth more than those mean words are, and those that know and care about you would never say such a thing.