Have you ever noticed some parents can phrases that just neatly sum things up in a very easy-to-understand no-room-for-arguing way? These are useful not just to help get your point across quickly and neatly, but they also stick in a brain, so your kids will know these things to be true here on out. It's not just about good behavior, it's also about being a kind person. Kindness can be taught and we can encourage kids to want to be kind more often, eventually making kindness a habit. And that's how we can change the world around us: raise a generation of kind kids who speak and act with more kindness, more often, who stand up to bullying behaviors, who celebrate each others' differences and who show empathy and compassion to those around them.
A couple of useful phrases to add to your repertoire:
When your kids complain that their friends get to do things they don’t: "Every family has different rules." This is true for bedtimes, for snacking, for cell phone access. It is a very appropriate explanation that what we do in our family is our guidelines; no one gets to say our guidelines are incorrect just like we can't say what they are doing is incorrect.
To your kids that it is never okay to make fun of someone’s appearance: "We don't comment on other people's bodies." Our bodies are our own; another person may dress differently, or comport themselves differently. Or perhaps they have a physical feature that is different. Different is not bad, it is just different. We do not have any say in the matter. Similar, but especially relevant to other's physical disabilities: "Everyone’s brains and bodies work differently."
When kids have commentary on what another is eating or enjoying: "Don't yuck someone else's yum." This applies to food, music, clothing, hairstyles, etc.
We humans are emotion-filled beings. Sometimes these feelings make us act out in less-than-acceptable ways. How do we help especially little people who might zoom straight to bad behavior when they are feeling overwhelmed to considering other more-acceptable behaviors? “All feelings are welcomed. All behaviors are not.”
A couple phrases related to consent, or understanding the fine line between being adventurous and being reckless: "Stop means stop, no means no." and "Make good choices for your body.”
When kids might feel jealous of another's successes, it's important to remind them that their friend's good fortune does not have anything to do with them. "Dimming someone else's light does not make yours brighter."
When our kids are acting in a non-community-building sort of way, we might see clique-ish behavior. We can remind our kids to be inclusive:
"We keep surprises, not secrets.”
We often make our kids issue apologies for things they don't actually feel sorry about. We need to remind them (and ourselves) what being sorry really looks like: "I'm sorry it's just words a real apology is a change in behavior."
When kids are scared and need to push through the emotion, help them gain extra courage: "It's okay to be nervous. You can be brave and scared and do it anyway." Being scared or nervous can feel like a big and over-powering emotion; it's important for kids to realize that the fear they feel is real, but it is not a reason to stop.
Especially as kids get older, when they come to you with a problem, give them options for your response: "Do you want help, advice, or just listening?" And respect what option they choose, even if you really think you can do more.
It's not realistic to force friendships or when your kids try to gang up on another kid, it's very important to remain respectful: "You don't have to be friends with everyone, but you have to be friendly." or "You don’t have to like them but you can’t recruit other people not to like them." Social bullying is not okay. No "mean kid" behavior is acceptable at any point.
Similarly, when our kids are acting in a non-community-building sort of way, we might see clique-ish behavior. We can remind our kids to be inclusive:
"We keep surprises, not secrets.”
Comments