Pathways and perceptions

It's not always about you, even when it comes to your relationship.

Especially when you, your partner or the relationship itself are hurting, the explanation we grab onto as "correct" has more to do with our own fears and vulnerabilities than it does the reality of the situation; almost always, that explanation is incorrect; almost always, the true explanation has more to do with the fears and vulnerabilities rolling in all parties involved, and many of those are invisible to us.  

What does this mean?  Your story is not the true story.  Why?  Because it is not the only story.  That is the essence of a relationship.

As we move through life, being the sense-seeking and storytelling creatures that we are, we are in a self-generated dream.  It's not to say our reality is not true, but rather our reality is true to the stories we tell ourselves that we believe are true, all of which are at best incomplete and at worst injuriously incorrect.  We don't see the full scope of our own actions, let alone what we do and do not deserve -- because we believe we deserve it all -- and the cost of our inaccuracies is connection, trust and love of another, a dearly beloved another.  Where does this lead us?  Down a path of unspoken resentments based on misbeliefs and wrong perceptions.  And all of this is because we see our story through OUR story lens and not that of another.

But wait, there is a solution. 

That solution is to listen. Deliberately, kindly, patiently, without interest in self-betterment, we listen and honestly try to see the other's viewpoint and perception.  We look at their interpretation of our actions.  We make the effort to listen and hear the other side of the story, to increase our understanding and in response, our hurt and our resentment will diminish.  Why?  Because we will see their story as well. 

The story that parallels ours, but uses different colors and paint strokes. The opposite side of our own story, that is at the same time completely the same and utterly different.

The first step?  Consider your story, consider your path.  Consider that maybe that picture line we have in our head, what we think is a drawing of reality, may not be accurate.   

Second step?  Take a pause, take a breath and tell that person that you are hurting because the picture story you have in your head may be wrong. Or not complete.   Don't accuse them of being wrong, but let them know that you are looking for description of their own story and ask them for the help to understand why and how their story is so different than yours.  Not that it is wrong, not that is better; it is different.  Perceptions, my friend, are everything.

Now, take a pause, take a breath.  Now you listen carefully and try to truly understand and correct your perception.  Maybe you adjust, maybe you shift.  Maybe, too, the other person adjusts and shifts.  Maybe they, too, have fallen victim to a wrong perception.  

This part is important: This is not about being right or wrong.  It's not about having it your way, or giving in.  It's about realizing, through patient listening and open-hearted conversation that your perceptions are each unique and each different and at the same time, parallel and complementary.  The resentment flows away when you realize that perceptions are influenced by our path to this point, and we each have taken a different path.  

Part of why we want this person in our life is because of the beauty they bring from their own path and perception; don't let that also be the root of your resentments.