On the defensive: Put your fur back down

Have you ever noticed there are some individuals that spend a lot of energy looking to be insulted.  Actively looking for the different ways they interpret interactions with others as insults or personal slights. 

Makes me wonder: Why are we so quick to take offense?

Example 1: I watched a number of sports games over the past several weekends; after-school activities are in full swing, therefore so are the games. Games of all ages, for all sports, for both genders. All.weekend.long. Most recent weekends it has been soccer and basketball. (Hang in there, this relates to my point, I promise.) Many of the kids are super committed and trying their hardest, trying to emulate and perfect the skills and actions that their coaches worked hard to instill in them. Skills abound, and still, sadly, when the ref or ump called a play not in their favor, they immediately start taking offense: why is everyone picking on me?  Why did that ref target me?  So listen sure,  it could very well be that the kids didn’t follow rules, and it could very well be that they actually did something wrong. But maybe, it is possible that they just plain messed up.  How likely is it that the ref/ump is actually targeting specific kids?  When we react by yelling bad things at the official, questioning their judgement we are teaching our kids a lesson in shirking responsibility: we teach our kids to take offense and try to find someone else to blame instead of owning up to their own possible short-comings.  The end lesson is that it is not their fault, someone else is to blame, and they don’t learn to try harder or better or differently the second go-round.  That’s probably not the lesson we intended when we enlisted our kiddos in sports, right?   It’s not just sports but also academics (“That teacher has it out for me!  That’s why I didn’t get a good grade!”) and other activities.

Example 2: People say things in jest, and then instead of enjoying the comedic value of the moment, they immediately apologize for hurting others’ feelings. People say things without thinking, and then beat themselves up over possibly having stepped on feelings. People look to take offense in the words of others, rather than simply hearing the words as the opinion of another person, or as a joke, and then reacting by either agreeing, disagreeing, or disregarding. We are, in fact, allowed to have different opinions, right? We are allowed to find different things amusing, or confusing, or enlightening. We are allowed to have different senses of humors, levels of sarcasm, and curiosities. We can say things meant to be funny, without immediately imagine we did something wrong. Are we all taking ourselves too seriously? Since when are humans perfect?  I know I most certainly am not perfect.  We all have flaws, some more entertaining than others. For example, I have to always think twice before I saw the word ‘cinnamon’. I have no idea why it is a challenging word for me to say. Another example: I literally have to push myself to get into an elevator, and then when I am in it, I will have to practice deep breaths to stay calm. The small space and dim lighting are like a lit match to the tinder of my claustrophobia. I don’t mind at all if you make fun of my obvious near-panic; it might actually help distract me from my completely irrational fear.  Taking offense because someone is entertained by my white-knuckled wide-eyed moment of panic just because I am in an elevator would be silly.  Maybe focusing on why it is silly or why words said in jest are humorous can help us to not take things so seriously or at 100% face value.

Example 3: Two of my boys have been ‘experiencing angst’ recently. Part of it is, I am sure, just peacocking (you know, where they have to demonstrate that they are the best trying to stand out or get attention), and part of it is this whole ‘fairness’ concept.  Kids often equate “fair” with “equal” and that just can’t be the case.  My elder kiddo is going to have different opportunities and be able to do different things than the middle one or the youngest one.   Fairness means treating people according to their needs, which I do think parents try to do.  Parents, teachers, bosses … here’s the thing: understanding the fair does not mean “same” can help someone feel better about their situation, right?  Unless two people have exactly the same experiences, 100% of the time, there will be differences in what they bring to the table, and therefore how they are treated, therein existing ‘unfairness’. We can spend our time and energy searching for how we are treated differently, or we can invest that same time and energy into the experiences themselves. Into living. Into enjoying. My boys are never going to be mistreated, to be sure, but they will also never be treated the same. And, for the record, if they were, that would be “unfair”. They are different, and my treating them as such is not because I love one more than the other.   I would argue that every single parent on the planet would agree with this sentiment. 

Example 4: All around us, people are having their own lives and experiences. Sometimes, their experiences intersect with our own, impacting us in some way. Other times, they are doing things that have nothing to do with us. Regardless, these are THEIR experiences, and they don’t need to consult or check-in with us prior. AND them not doing that (checking with us) is not because they don’t like us, are angry or are indifferent; it is because it honestly has nothing to do with us. They are just living their lives. I have no idea why this would be insulting to some; we can’t possibly be the center of the world for all people. “She didn’t consider how I might feel about that.” “He didn’t even ask me.” “I felt like a by-stander.”  Not every single thing every acquaintance/friend/loved one does or acts upon can or should involve us.  Sometimes you are not part of the equation at all.  And sometimes you are.  But understanding that even if you have some thoughts or ideas to suggest or contributions to the other person’s experience/consideration/decision, it isn’t your place to offer it.  Even if you have experience or have something useful to contribute; it is not about you.  And that isn’t a statement about your role in that person’s life.  It isn’t a thing to get insulted about.  It’s just not about you.

Example 5: Your friend has been texting and texting and emailing asking for advice asking for your involvement, just needing your attention ... you don’t want to answer because in reality, you just don’t have time or bandwidth for what she is asking. Ghosting is not okay. Especially if this is someone you know, respect that they can handle your ‘no’ and respond. You are responsible for speaking your own truth, and you are responsible for having compassion for other human beings; you are not, however, responsible for their reaction. Be honest, be upfront, and don’t play games.  Tell them that you love hearing from them, and reading their messages, but don’t have the time to respond right now, so are just observing from the periphery.  We all have our own lives, our own proverbial full plates.  Let’s let everyone handle their own plates, and focus on our own. 

You know what? Let’s look at it from a different point of view: Your friend may be having a bad day. The cashier may have a cold or not feel well and so is feeling snarky. You might have made a bad play. Maybe you ARE a crappy driver. And maybe, just maybe, you should look for a reason to take ownership of the situation instead of being offended. Maybe, just maybe, it isn’t about you.