Difficult Conversations & Protecting your Peace

I don't know about you, but I don't especially like to have difficult conversations.

I mean, regardless of the intended conversation participant, no one WANTS to get into an argument.  Humans are generally speaking community-engaging social creatures.  We like to get along with people.  The general mindset is to be WITH the general consensus, and not be contrary.  That being said, sometimes one must broach difficult topics.  We want to enjoy quality and sustainable relationships and not deal with any angsty topics or difficulties.  Sure.

Let's take a moment, shall we, to talk about those difficult conversations.  There is a time and place wherein we actually do need to engage in what feels like the equivalent of poking a sleeping lion; why not instead just play ostrich and protect our peace?  

Listen, "protecting our peace" is important, no doubt.  What am I referring to? This is the current trendy phase for safeguarding your space and peace of mind by deliberately distancing yourself from what may potentially harm your sense of calm.  100% protecting your peace is an act of self-care.  But "protecting your peace" cannot be an excuse to withdraw from challenging situations or avoid hard conversations.  Protecting your peace can't be a convenient excuse to practice avoidance behavior.  

In a healthy relationship, peace is not the absence of conflict.  If you are two people of different minds -- and you are because you did not grow up as one, with one set of experiences -- conflict is unavoidable.  "Conflict" does not, however, equal divorce. Instead a healthy relationship relies on the presence of trust, respect, and a reliable path back to connection after a stress or speed bump.

How can we actually "protect our peace"?

There are four components (habits) that support effective communication for a relationship that is calm, well-connected and happy.

1.  Set clear boundaries - even with your BFF or favorite person, you get to decide what helps you feel respected and safe.  Boundaries may include contact (how much and by whom), distance (how much and from whom), and situations in which you engage.  Note: this does not mean you get to cross all challenging circumstances off your list.  Setting healthy boundaries does not mean you do not have to adult.

2. Choose where to invest your energy - Be honest about what you have the capacity for, and what restores your energy.  The emotional labor of a relationship can't conceivably fall on one partner's shoulders.  Mutual effort is not the same as mirroring your partner; you each bring different (and hopefully complementary) strengths to the relationship that build the connection.

3. Create calming routines - calm is not the absence of conflict, just like connection is not the opposite of separation.  Peace isn't just about what you avoid; it is also about what you cultivate in yourself and with your people.  Rituals and habits that bring you calm and help you recharge bring stability to your life.  When life swirls and whirls around you, your meaningful connections and practices help you stay grounded.

4.  Stay regulated -- on your own and around others, with your emotions and in the presence of another's, you can stay regulated.  This is a prime space to be aware of people-pleasing tendencies and understand that you can care (deeply, even) about another person and not be responsible for their mood or emotions.  

How do we know when "protecting your peace" is actually avoidance?

Much like "self-care", the term "protecting your peace" has unfortunately become overused and ill-applied.  How can you know if your practice has turned an unfortunate corner?

Look for these signs:

-stonewalling or shutting down "I'm doing what's best for me"

-using 'protecting your peace' as a catch-all justification for not putting effort into your relationship

-Using it as an excuse to avoid being held accountable

-Checking out emotionally instead of communicating your needs

-Backing out of responsibilities, even if you have already committed

-avoiding hard conversations instead of engaging in repair or conflict management

How can we effectively practice "protecting our peace"?

By effectively communicating your needs you can protect your peace while staying connected and being accountable in your relationship.  How do we do this?  

-Speak up about what you need and what your limitations are.  

-Practice self-awareness and understand what your triggers are, and be realistic in what your tolerance is for that particular trigger.  At the same time, know what is an effective method(s) for self-soothing.

-Rather than stonewalling - which drives an immediate edge into effective communication -- practice repair.  Listen rather than shut down.

-When you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed or overstimulated, ask for time and space with a specific time to reconnect.  Giving yourself a brief window of space allows for processing and for recentering.  Giving a specific time to return to the conversation assures your partner that you are not just running away.

Here's the thing: what I know about myself may be true for you too.  Sometimes I will tell myself I am just taking a pause, reconnecting, reflecting, and I know, deep down, I am really running away from a difficult conversation because it makes me feel angsty and goes against my every people-pleasing fiber.  I know, ugly truth. 

How do I know if I am avoiding or giving myself space?  A few questions to ask yourself to get to the bottom (if difficult) answer:

1.  Am I creating space for myself to reflect or am I withdrawing in a way that prevents honest communication and growth?   

2.  Have I communicated what I need and when I can reengage?

3.  Am I being accountable?  Offering repair?  

4.  Am I stepping back to feel safer momentarily and to regulate, or am I avoiding discomfort that we could be working through together?

There is an expression " If you want a village, then you have to also BE a villager."  I get it, sometimes it feels like the last thing you want to do is to show up, but if you will want support (later, down the road), then you also have to be someone others can rely on.  Being a part of that village means prioritizing the importance of following through, putting in the effort and communicating honestly, even when it is challenging or uncomfortable.